As I sit here tonight and write I really want to cry. I feel quite lost. I’ve been trying all this time to find my voice. I’ve been bouncing around for many years and I’m still not sure where my “home” in this blogosphere and my life is.
I can be good at anything I set my mind to. I know that. But does it truly fulfill me? That is the question that burns in me. That’s the thing I’ve been trying to find for over a decade. Something that fills my heart with so much joy that it doesn’t feel like work. Something I love SO much I’d do it for free. THAT’S what I want!!
I write this for free. But I have two things that hold me back. Two BIG fears…and it kills me to admit this in a public forum but as Dr. Phil once said, “you cannot change what you do not acknowledge.” So here goes nothing!
First, a fear of success. That sounds really silly doesn’t it. Let me attempt to break this down. I have a fear deep within me that I will become successful and that it won’t be enough. It won’t feel as good as I’ve dreamed it would. I will not feel fulfilled in the way that I wish to feel and then I would feel as though I had not actually succeeded but in fact that I failed. And that in becoming successful I will lose everyone I love. That one is the hardest. And while it may seem quite irrational to you it is something that to me is very real and intense. Every single time I have EVER taken a big step and grown in a dramatic way I have had to start over with new people in my life. In some instances I lost everyone. Being a wife and a mom this truly poses some deep seated fear. I could go on and one with the millions of “what if’s” that have run through my brain but let’s stick with these for now.
Second, fear of failure. I think we all have this and my fear of failure is much less than my fear of success because while I am good at many things I’ve not seen much of it through and I’ve had a lot of failures in my life. But I have to sit and wonder if they were really failures? Edison didn’t invent the working lightbulb the first time. If I read correctly it was about the 1000th. So what is the lesson? To me it’s that when you fall flat on your face you pick yourself up, tie your boot strings, and get back to it. But it’s not just about Me failing. It’s about what my failing does to others.
I don’t want to disappoint those I love. I don’t want to look into my child’s eyes and feel like I am failing him by not being able to buy him food or clothes or some toy he really likes. I want that boy to have everything he could ever desire. I don’t mean spoiling him but I do mean providing him with delicious and nutritious food and adequate healthcare. Basic things like shoes and clothes. I don’t want my parents to die without seeing me successful at some career.
So where is my home? I think I need to sit down and do some serious meditating about that and try to find a niche. I really don’t know at this point. I could write about all my mistakes to help you all keep from doing them but I think that might get old after a while. It would be somewhat depressing to write about too.
I’ll understand if you don’t stick around but I pray that you do. Sometimes these ramblings I go through have some nuggets of wisdom in them. I’m hoping you found them in this post and I hope beyond hope that someone reads this and says to themselves, “Wow I’m not alone!” and that it helps their night even just a little. Stick around as I’m sure we will have many more conversations about overcoming fear and putting it all out there!